I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
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I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
The devil.