I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
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Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Bros before Ohioes
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit