Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
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[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
scenes of unspeakable carnage
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.