Candid photo of me, eating chips.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!