A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
What
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.