*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
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Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”