Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
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me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?