Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My inexpensive home security system…
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.