I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
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Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Had a spot of bother earlier.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.