Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
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[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Very good news from my accountant
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
This could’ve been an email.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s