Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
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Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
me irl
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
My birthstone is a marshmallow
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING