JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
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My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
fair
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.