People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
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I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?