it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
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I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
For those that worship cheese..
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Duolingo getting serious.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”