Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
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Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.