I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
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If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*