Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
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here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.