My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
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My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
where the womens at?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.