I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
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Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”