Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
You Might Also Like
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Peter Parker Peter Driver
that lip filler tho
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.