i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
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Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
seems like a niche market
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁