6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
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Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I feel it
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop