If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
this country is so goddamn polarized
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]