Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
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Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I have no passwords left in me
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..