Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
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lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?