Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
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heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”