Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
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[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet