Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
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rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*