My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
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I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡