girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
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I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS