My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
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This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
We’re all getting idioter.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Just why bro?!
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.