[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
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For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I’m awake but I object,
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.