[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
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therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Cake safety first. Always.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?