I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
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I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.