*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
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I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
They’re the worst 😩
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
felt that
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.