My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
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The first matador
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room