ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
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#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔