‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
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When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
motivation
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”