Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
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ok like just. call me at this point
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
this is the best interaction on twitter
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth