Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
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I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Oh no
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore