Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
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I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.