*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
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Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
There’s always that one guy
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.