My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
You Might Also Like
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.