“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
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i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.