landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
You Might Also Like
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Covid like
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.