I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.