“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
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Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.