I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
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Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Going into Monday like
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately