Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
You Might Also Like
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?