And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Wait a minute
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
The prophecy is fulfilled
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you